Archive for ‘humor’ category

1/2 of a Two-Way Conversation

Overheard at the post office today while passing a man in his mid-thirties on a mobile phone:

Hmm… oh, you mean the ‘sugar-in-your-soda’ guy?

Now, I’d love to hypothesize the flip-side of that conversation, but I’m more interested in what you think was on the other end. Maybe sugar-in-your-soda guy is a movie character reference that I missed, or maybe it’s code for something, or maybe it’s you?

Evidence that you visit Starbucks too much

About an hour ago, you were walking down the sidewalk (on the way to Starbucks, of course). From a passing Jeep on the opposite side of the street you hear a shout, “get your mocha!”. You look up and over and recognize the friendly barista that often serves your favorite beverage driving by, smiling and waving. It’s then that you almost decide to turn around. But no — you’re hooked.

Electronic Mail is Not For Everyone

A true story: Sally works as a marketing & promotions director at a reputable book publisher. She deals directly with authors on a daily basis, communicating primarlily via email. This is by far the easiest way to shuttle documented information back and forth. It is also the year 2005, where one might consider “electronic mail” as common as peanut butter, or even Neil Diamond.

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Elbow Etiquette

There is an extremely serious design issue that continues to plague the travellers of the world. I estimate that this problem has existed for centuries — or at least since the invention of the armrest.

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Apparently, Mouse Pads are Soo 2004

While checking out at the Apple store recently, I had an interesting conversation:

Me
Do you have any mouse pads?
Apple Guy
Uh, what?
Me
Mouse pads. Do you carry them?
Apple Guy
Mouse pads? *chuckles arrogantly* No, we’ve never carried anything like that.

Oh. But I’m from the camp that thinks they’re a necessity — even when using an optical mouse. Having it slide across the desk without any sort of traction just doesn’t cut it. Not to mention the woodgrain on the desk occassionally throws off the tracking.

So I head over to Office Depot — an office supply superstore. They have mouse pads. But all of them have patterns and designs on them. American flags, Grand Canyon panoramas, Faux water droplets, etc. I can forsee these patterns being a problem for optical tracking. So I leave the store empty handed.

I realize I could order a zillion of them online somewhere with no patterns, perfect for optical mice. But I’m merely documenting an observation, that the value of the mouse pad is just overlooked by so many. And I’m shocked that Apple doesn’t try to capitalize on selling the coolest mouse pad ever created. Someone needs to tap this untapped market that’s been poorly tapped thus far.

I remember buying my first Mac (a Classic II) and it came with a free Apple mouse pad. It was a great one, with a slipperly plastic surface. I wish I still had it, but it’s gone. Where to, I can’t say. perhaps it’s now part of something larger.

Trees

Each year, I mean to put together a comprehensive analysis of what it’s like to be in Salem during the month of October. Thousands make a pilgrimage to the city, touring the witch museums, buying fried dough and dressing up like it’s Halloween on the 30 other days of the month. That comprehensive analysis will have to wait till next year, but I did want to point out the best costume I have ever seen in my life.

Halloween night in Salem is relatively insane. The streets are closed down, and crowds of people come out, showing off their finest costumes. We’ve seen some pretty great ones — costumes that require a lot of time and thought. But there was one in particular this year that was hands down, the winner.

The sheer brilliance of this costume is that is requires no planning. Feel free to print out the following materials list for future reference:

  • 1 roll of duct tape

figureWe witnessed three guys walking through the crowd, each with 5 foot tall tree branches duct taped around their waist, covering their entire upper body (see figure). There were also slow, spooky (but soft) chants of “Treeeeees… treeeeees”, as they made their way by. As we watched the tops of the branches wade through the sea of people (clearly visable even at a distance), it looked something like an elementary school rendition of a scene from The Lord of the Rings.

So as long as you have a roll of duct tape handy, find a tree with long skinny branches and tape them to yourself. You just may have the best costume ever created. Works best in packs of three or four people.

I Wish to Appear in a Major Motion Picture

I wish to appear in a major motion picture. And I have since I can remember. I’m continually fascinated by movies (or I should say talkies) and it’s been a lifelong goal to be immortally portrayed in a large Hollywood production.
Oh, I can’t act. I’ve never tried — but that’s not the point. I want to be in a movie. I don’t want to be the movie.
I’m estimating that three seconds is the optimal amount of time in which to grace the screen. Anything less than three seconds and no one will recognize me. Anything more than three seconds and I’ll have to actually act. Three seconds is the perfect amount of time to be a “passerby” — or someone sweeping up the sidewalk. Perhaps delivering a pizza behind a foreground of some dramatic scene.
I have to confess that I haven’t done much to achieve my goal. Although I did audition for the film Moonlight Mile three years ago, which was about to film in Marblehead, Massachusetts, where I happened to live at the time. The audition went extremely well (or so I thought). After waiting in a long line, a Polaroid was taken that turned out to be the worst photo ever taken of me. So bad, in fact, that the casting person took a look at it and said Oooooh. I’m putting this one on top. This got me thinking I actually had a chance for at least a three-second role in this film. I never did get a call.
So now, I continue to dream. Perhaps there’ll be more auditions, more horrible Polaroids. And maybe one day, I can have my three seconds of fame. I’m curious, have you ever appeared on film?

The Spoon Trick

I am about to share with you the greatest gift you may ever receive. It was passed down to me by my wife’s friend’s husband — Patrick. It is called “The Spoon Trick”, and it may save your life.
The trick is best revealed at a dinner gathering or reception. Any time you’re seated at a round table with people you only half know. There are usually awkward pauses in conversation at such events — but The Spoon Trick will break ice as thick as Alaska.
The key here is delivery. Casually pick up a spoon that’s in front of you at the table. If there aren’t any spoons, then you’ll have to request one. I find ordering soup or pudding for dessert makes the request less out-of-the-ordinary. The bigger the spoon, the better and if you’re lucky enough to find a soup spoon with a large, rounded head — you are golden.
View QuickTime movie (4.5MB)With one hand, hold the spoon with the handle standing upright and the back of the spoon facing you. Carefully align your middle finger and ring finger knuckles against the back of the spoon. Next, wiggle your pinky and first finger in an up and down motion. Do this a few times — only to yourself as a warmup, making sure your alignment is correct. Click on the thumbnail to view a QuickTime (4.5MB) movie which demonstates the correct actions.
Quietly lean over to your neighbor and say “hey.. check it out.” Then proceed to show them the “wiggle”, turning the back of the spoon toward them, while keeping your knuckles aligned so that they can see the reflection.
The next line is “what does it look like”. They will look extremely puzzled and shocked at this point. Do not stop. The important thing to remember here is that they’ll be laughing in a few seconds.
Your reply is “it’s a guy in the shower as viewed from behind and he is washing his feet.”
Laughter ensues… the rest of the table gets curious. The trick spreads. Everyone has something to talk about for the rest of the dinner. The night belongs to you.
Pass it on. You’re welcome.